Groucho Marx Quotes

I cannot say that I don’t disagree with you.

If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

Humor is reason gone mad.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!