Mark Twain Quotes.
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‘we.’
A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
What a wee little part of a person’s life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.
I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.
Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.
Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.
When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.
When I was 17, my father was so stupid, I didn’t want to be seen with him in public. When I was 24, I was amazed at how much the old man had learned in just 7 years.
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.